Depression

I can be so together in everyone’s eyes and then the one person who can knock me to the ground effortlessly does just that.  My mom.  This morning I called her and the topic turned to the fact that now my niece wants to move in with my mom.  Let's see—my worthless brother, my sister, my nephew and now my niece.  Three of them mooching off of mom, one at least helping mom and add one more to the list of moochers. I asked my mom where my niece would sleep.  Her answer-the couch or a recliner.  Sigh, I told her she needs to just say “No, she can’t support another person.”

She then told me that she wished my sister would move in with her boyfriend.  She’s rather get rid of the one person helping her than stand up to the others.  This just solidifies what Joanne keeps telling me--Mom has only one child in her mind-her son.  My poor sister.  Hard enough she is 8 in her mind.  After discussing where Joanne would go if she didn’t move in with her boyfriend, Mom starting acting like she was fighting to keep her there saying that Joanne loves her room at the house..  Is this dementia? Or some age thing?

I told mom that I don’t like seeing her being taken advantage of and what my mom said put me in a tailspin for the rest of the day.  She told me that she has almost all of her family living with her and that she loves it.  Her sister, Hilda, is jealous.  She also said that I am too damn independent and that is my problem.  So, I get from this that my mom thinks that living there and taking her for granted is to be admired and independence is arrogant?  I had to change the subject, I couldn’t take it anymore.  This is the third time that I have been put down because of my independence.  Independence being that I didn’t live with my parents until I die.

I am grateful that Alison has an independent nature and proud of what she has done with her life—why can’t my own mom be proud of me for the same?  Why?  Has this world turned upside down?  Strong decent values are frowned upon and being trustworthy is not high on the list for political candidates.

I was depressed all day.  Thinking of going to a counselor. Maybe go back on Prozac though I hate drugs but I really need to find strength in Him not drugs.  I am dreading going to Florida but I promised mom that I would visit again and more.  Lord help me.