Another Overwhelming Day

Things seemed to be going okay--not great but okay when today, reality hit.  I did buy tickets to go to Florida on November 3 but today, I am seriously considering going down earlier.  It will cost me about $400 extra but to spend more time with Mom, it is so worth it.

Joanne, Aunt Hilda & Mom

My Aunt Hilda called from Canada. She was with Mom for the past week.  Aunt Hilda was there when Mom got the news about her uterine cancer.  I was very appreciative of her being there since I couldn't.  Anyways, Aunt Hilda was very concerned with Mom's frail state.

The house is so cold but Hilda said that she understands Jim needing it so cold for his COPD.  She was a nurse for 40 years.  However, poor mom is freezing and she needs warmth.  She is bundled up in the living room with cold air coming from the vent onto her.  To turn up the air conditioning may provoke more tension with my brother and the by product of my Mom's blood pressure skyrocketing.

What a dilemma! I keep praying for guidance and wisdom in this.  One thing that the LORD has put on my mind lately is to take a step back and look at the family dynamics playing here.  To try to understand the whys of the situation and not act on emotions.  It is hard.  Lately, I have used more discernment with my sister's comments.  I weigh everything now for truth or emotion led reactions. 

I remember when Joanne was born, life changed dramatically for Jim and me.  We never were told about her disability.  If we had, maybe we could cope with our feelings.  Both of us felt that we were set aside for her.  My parents tried to "make up" Joanne's disability by granting her everything.  I was 10 when Joanne was born.  I already went through being set aside when my brother was born.  I was told by my parents that I had five years of love, it was my brother's turn.  That hit hard for a five year old but I held onto the hope that when Jim turned five, it would be my turn.  Wrong--Joanne was born.  I did okay with that.  I liked having a little sister.  My brother, on the other hand, didn't respond so well.  He became the terrible five year old and I really believe he has carried that through to today.

So, with all that, I understand why my brother is acting like a five year old but that doesn't justify his behavior.  I don't know how to handle this. 

The tables have turned on my brother and sister.  My Mom has turned to favor my brother (mostly out of fear and guilt) and has set aside my sister.  This only makes the jealousy worse between them.  Oh if only I had been a psychologist--I could be helpful here!

I feel like a doll with one arm pulled toward my sister and the other arm pulled toward my brother but with my eyes always on Mom.  I fear that she won't make it and I don't want to lose my Mom, LORD, I'm not strong, LORD, I'm afraid, LORD....help!